I’ll fight with you no matter how hard the battle is..
We spend so much time running from who we are meant to be. We forget to see the good we can do because we are so afraid of shaking things up. I’ve always been different. I’ve always stood out from the crowd. No matter how hard I try to blend in and stay in the shadows, God pushes me to the front.
I’ve spent my entire life feeling unloved and unwanted. I’ve always wanted a family, a community filled with loving people. When I found the church (read my story) I thought I had found a place to belong. I thought I had found my people.
Unfortunately, I fell in love with the culture and never bothered to learn the doctrine. I moved to Rexburg, Idaho to immerse myself in the culture. To be surrounded by “my people” filled my heart with joy. I started school and I was ready to do this “Mormon” thing. As ready as I was for them, they were not ready for me or my questions. New to cold weather, I got sick and the Doctor sent me back to warmer weather. During this time, I lived with a friend who was barely getting by, but she was willing to take me in, and I will always love her for that!
With such a weak foundation and no one around to help me build it. I quit. I stopped going to church, and if anyone questioned it I would say “doctors’ orders”. I mean I was so sick, and I couldn’t be around other people. It wasn’t a complete lie…right? Because of my love of the culture and my lack of understanding of the doctrine, I failed. I felt like I had let God down and why would he want me if I was such a disappointment.
Thankfully God had other plans for me. He saw my full potential even if I couldn’t. He saw what good I could do in the world, I wasn’t in a place to become that person. I’ve spent the last few years running. Running from the pain. Running from love. Running from my potential. Over the last couple of months, I’ve learned that I cannot longer run, because eventually it will catch up to me. As soon as I let go, and gave all I had to God, He stepped up to the plate. He showed that I am more than who the world has told me I am. I am loved, simply because I am worth being loved.
My purpose in this life is to go where I am needed. To love the broken. To be a friend to the friendless; a voice for those lost in the shuffle. I want to help everyone learn love themselves and those around them. Because if we don’t love ourselves first, how will others know how to treat us?
I don’t expect to get anything from this, I just want the world to feel of God’s love. I hope that as you continue on this journey with me, you are able to heal and open your hearts to love.