Learning to love again…

“The past is like using your rearview mirror in the car, it’s good to glance at to see how far you’ve come, but if you stare too long you’ll miss what’s in front of you.”

The first time I shared my story it was liberating. The next time I shared it I felt like I had been hit by a bus. I wanted to rewind the last few hours and keep that little girl hidden. The adult I’ve become is constantly at war with the little girl I keep inside. I feel the need to protect her, and in order to do that, I need to be guarded. I need to build walls, to make sure no one can get in..to make sure no one can hurt us.. can hurt me.

Recently, I’ve learned that it’s okay to let that little girl out. To love her means taking down the walls. The same walls I built for protection are now keeping me from seeing my full potential. Those walls are keeping me from love. From loving myself and letting others love me.

One of the most difficult things I’ve come across is learning to love myself again.. As a child, I didn’t understand love. No one wanted me. I felt like a mistake, that everyone tolerated. As an adult, I’m learning to love again. Learning to love others came easy. However accepting their love and accepting myself did not come so easily.

I tend to keep everyone at a distance. The ones who say they love me, don’t truly know me. How could they, when I’m only willing to let them in so far before I get scared and run the opposite direction.

If given the opportunity, or granted a wish, I would go back and change one thing… I would love more. Love harder. Love freely. Holding nothing back. That’s the beauty of hindsight, we can look back on the past and see what we could/would/should have done differently.

There is a reason why when we look back on the past our view is limited, and when we look ahead to our future it’s limitless. As I think about my future and what these changes mean for me, I’m immediately overwhelmed and I want to hide from the world. However my heart is ready for love, and I’m ready to change. It’s time to put my pride aside and take these walls down for good.

“If someone shows you who they are, believe them” -Dawn

Step 1. Taking people at their word.

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